Dark secretOne family's struggle with sexual addiction
|
By COREY TAULE
|
ctaule@postregister.com
|
EDITOR'S NOTE: Over the next few days, the Post Register will be running stories examining the impact of pornography and sexual addiction on eastern Idaho and one local family, whose real names aren't being used. These stories contain adult content. "Steve's" hands were clammy on the steering wheel. His guts churned and his mind raced. It was November 2006, and Steve drove up Bellin Road in Idaho Falls, splitting rows of old homes and new condos. He passed Fire Station No. 5, towards the steady traffic of Interstate 15 in the distance and finally found Charlotte Drive. Steve turned right and drove past one horse grazing in a field, slowing as he reached the Eagle Rock Stake Center. "What if someone knows me?" he thought. "What if I'm late?" And finally, "I'll just go next time." But next time was no longer an option for Steve, not with "Rebecca" sitting at home with his four kids and hoping he'd get well. He'd tried everything else. This was his last chance. Steve found the church, parked his car and walked inside. In his right hand, Steve carried a bound copy of the LDS Family Services guide to addiction recovery, given to him by a counselor. Steve folded it so nobody could read the cover, and tried to look as though he knew where he was going. Then he saw the sign: LDS Family Services 12-Step Program. He swallowed hard and walked into the High Council Room. Dozens of strangers, young and old, sat in a circle. The group leader, Thane Lords, serving a church mission with his wife, Marjorie, smiled gently, shook Steve's hand and welcomed him to the group. Steve kept his eyes on the floor and quickly sat down. Steve looked around the room and saw that he fit in. No shaggy old trench coat-laden deviants in sight. In his early 30s, a former college baseball player who earned straight A's through graduate school, Steve was handsome, smart and successful. He and Rebecca, a lovely brunette with a Marie Osmond smile, had just finished building their dream home. His kids adored him. From the street, it appeared to be an ideal life. One by one, the men in the circle spoke. "I've now been here for three months," one speaker said with obvious pride. "I used to struggle with pornography every other hour," another said. "It's now been four weeks." Goose bumps ran up and down Steve's arms. "You know it's been a crappy week," one man said, his head down. "I fell off. I've been a slave to this this week." Then 60 eyes focused on Steve. He spoke quickly, running on his sentences. Never making eye contact with anyone, he told 30 strangers he had struggled with sex addiction since he was a little boy. Clutching his workbook in sweating hands, he admitted that he tried everything to fix his problem, that nothing had worked, that he'd do whatever it took to get better. Steve finished and the guy sitting next to him started up. - - - "Hey look at this," the kid said to Steve. "This is kind of cool." She was a natural blonde with medium-length hair and a full figure. The picture was a side shot, and Steve was mesmerized by her long legs and voluptuous breasts. He was 7, and he couldn't take his eyes off the naked woman. Twenty-five years later, Steve can still see that magazine, the woman, purple pages and no writing, just pictures. Steve's detailed memory of the event is common among sexual addicts. That first image seems to burn into their brains. Not everyone who views porn at an early age is transfixed by nudity. Just as a couple of glasses of wine impacts different people differently, so does porn, said Dr. Janet Allen, clinical director at Creekside Counseling in Idaho Falls. Some people, she said, are hard-wired for a sex addiction. People like Steve. The same friend's teenage brother kept pornographic magazines under the bottom mattress of his bunk bed. Steve would show up unannounced at the friend's house. "I left something upstairs," he told his friend's mom, and stole away to the small bedroom, where he ignored the rock star posters and went straight for the magazines. He knew it was wrong to lie. He knew it was wrong to look at the magazines. But he returned, again and again. When the magazines were out of reach, Steve longed to get his hands on them. The friend's parents kept pornographic videos in the house. Steve's education continued. Finally, Steve, his friend, the older brother and a little sister acted out what they'd seen. Steve didn't have a word for what happened that day. Today he calls it abuse. Between the ages of 5 and 8, most of us have internally determined what is sexually exciting to us. Problems occur, when this "lovemap" becomes distorted, wrote Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., in his book "Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction." So, while Steve felt secure in a loving Mormon family, he remembers feeling unworthy to pray. Mormons seek spiritual awakenings or experiences they call "fruits of the spirit." Steve knew the theory but not the experience. In high school, he experimented with drugs and alcohol, but neither had much pull. He had a few girlfriends, but no serious relationships. It felt like a typical childhood, except for the longing that led him places he knew he shouldn't go. But maybe he could escape it by serving a church mission. - - - Steve and his new mission companion stepped off the elevator in a housing project in an East Coast city. They turned right, walked all the way down the hallway and knocked on the last door to the left. A smiling woman let them in. She often called the Mormon missionaries over for lunch, dinner or even to take her teenage daughter out to purchase a new dress. Steve had helped convert the mother, father and 17-year-old daughter to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He was six months into his church mission, had had some success, but still felt he didn't deserve to be there. To be worthy, he tried to keep clean for a year, but he looked at porn, masturbated and even had premarital sex. Worse, he didn't tell his bishop the truth. The repercussions would have been huge. Once they are baptized at age 8, many LDS boys save money and plan for their service in the missionary field. If his mission had been delayed, friends and family would want to know why. Uncomfortable questions would have been asked. On this day, Steve, his new companion, the mother and her daughter were watching an animated church video. "Why don't you come down to my room and listen to this song?" the daughter asked Steve. He hesitated. Mission companions are not to be separated. Nor do missionaries listen to music in the field. And Steve was supposed to be showing the new guy the ropes. "You're fine," the girl's mother told him. "Go listen to that song. I'll make your companion some lunch." Alone with the girl in her room, sex happened quickly and was followed by the most crushing guilt and shame Steve had ever felt. He was a missionary and he still was feeling the tug of illicit sex. That night, he called his father and confessed. "Call your mission president," Steve's dad told him calmly. "Do what you need to do. Take care of the problem." Steve made the call knowing he would be sent home. Thus began the adult pattern of his addiction: a failed attempt to overcome desire; immediate and overwhelming guilt; confession; consequences. The Church High Council of Steve's home congregation "disfellowshipped" him, which is essentially a form of probation. Family and friends knew something was up. He left for college -- and hopefully a new start. - - - Steve's head was clearing after being sent home from his mission. The girl with whom he'd had sex claimed to be pregnant. Steve and his family suffered for three months until it became apparent that she wasn't. On a partial scholarship, he was pursuing his degree when he met Rebecca in a science class. She is the second of seven children, a family of six girls and one boy, where emotions flowed freely and intimate details were regularly discussed. Dancing around the house to Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It," her dad told her with charming earnestness, "Rebecca, love has everything to do with it." How Steve and Rebecca got together remains in friendly dispute. Rebecca remembers Steve asking her to participate in a study group, only to discover that he and she were the group's only members. Steve laughingly remembers a less duplicitous beginning. She brought out the best in Steve. There was nothing physical about their relationship. They simply enjoyed being together. Rebecca preferred to play. Steve liked to focus on schoolwork. The best grade Rebecca received in school came in that science class. She tied up one loose end, a suitor who needed to be let down gently, and committed herself entirely to Steve. For the first time, Rebecca was feeling that "sweet old-fashioned notion" that Tina Turner had mocked. Steve was handsome, smart and determined to do well. He wanted a family. He was everything she'd hoped for. He was 20, she was 22 and continued to put him out of reach of his problem. He stayed clean, and the High Council of his home church gave him back his Temple Recommend. Ten months after they met, in 1995, the couple married in a Mormon Temple. Their first child, a daughter, was born and Steve started thinking about graduate school. It was about this time that he discovered the Internet. COMING MONDAY: The Internet fuels Steve's addiction
|
